Big News in the McClish House!

18 long months ago I dreamt of writing this blog post. I thought about how to make it cute and cleaver, planning to include an adorable picture of Julianne or sweet ultrasound photo. The possibilities were endless, but as months past, and then a year, I wondered if I would ever get to write it. How I've longed to have news our family is growing and that Julianne would be a big sister!

Little did I know then, how different this post would look. How so many of my "plans" would not be. My plan to have children 2 years apart. My plan to be pregnant again, and carry to full term. My plans to nurse more babies. God has been showing us these are not His plans, at least not for now. However, in His mercy and loving kindness, The Lord is revealing His plan to us. His plans for us to grow our family through adoption! 

This summer, Andrew and I began praying about adoption. I suppose we were really praying for God to show us how He'd have us grow our family. For the first time in our journey, we were ready to lay down our family plan and submit to God's. I remember begging The Lord to help me open my hand to the idol I had made of having children. As we prayed, we also began to pursue the adoption process, and doors began opening. We were accepted into an amazing domestic infant adoption program through Gladney Center for Adoption in Fort Worth.  We endured and passed the arduous home study process, and are now "waiting" for a birthmother to choose us. God has provided! 

So, it is with much hope, excitement, and anticipation, that I can finally share our family is growing! Julianne will be a big sister, and in the adoption world, we are expecting #2! We don't know how long it will be before there's another baby in our house, or what other hills and valleys are ahead. However, we know God knows. We have hope and assurance God is sovereign over our family, and He is calling us to something beautiful, wonderful, and amazing. 

Please join us in praying during this time. We know the woman who carries our baby will also be going through a season of sorrow. We have the unique opportunity to pray for her and show her the love of Christ. Please also pray that we could continue to trust God's provision for us as we wait. Patience is not a strength of mine!

Nathalie

Thoughts on Thankfulness

This year I wanted to make a Tree of Thanks from Ann Voskamp's blog http://www.aholyexperience.com/. She even provided the leaf cut outs with verses on them. My kind of craft! On the back we wrote things we are thankful for, and each night at dinner Julianne, Andrew, and I discussed what made us thankful. It was pretty light hearted, as much of J's leafs said things like: oatmeal, chips, and "the babies at church".  We laughed a lot and slowly began filling our "tree"(sticks from the yard).  I was pleased we had some good family time doing the tree and I'm sure it will become a November tradition.

I was not prepared though for how humbled and moved I feel today as I gaze on our tree. Humbled that though we have endured much this year, we are blessed beyond measure. In a year we have moved to a new state, started a business, and said goodbye to 3 sweet babies. Yes 3, I haven't found words to blog  about it, but we lost another precious little one in July. Three babies we won't be holding, rocking, or knowing this side of heaven. Amidst the many changes, my heart has been deeply broken, the sorrow at times feeling unbearable. Our marriage tested and challenged. Yet, in God's mercy, he has given us much to be thankful for.

Praise the Lord that the Holy Spirit has filled us with hope despite our circumstance, provided comfort and strength to walk in what He has called us to.  A difficult path this year. Yet, I look at our tree and am reminded of the good gifts God has given us. Namely right standing with him through Christ.

"Give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Beautifully written post at Desiring God today on thanks: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/how-can-we-give-thanks-in-all-circumstances

Panty Trip...

The time comes in every young girl's life for a very important right of passage. The day she purchases her first pair, or pack in this case, of "panties".

We invited Dad along who is a sucker for Target popcorn and Diet Coke. Julianne is learning this vice as well.

Now that we had our snack, we're ready to head to the panty isle!



Since Mom forgot to snap a pic in the panty isle, Julianne was asked to pose with her panty pack in the plastic dish ware isle. We also needed to pick up some plastic plates after loosing several glass ones. I suppose my child will not be the one child in America who can use a real plate. I had way to high of expectations for that and I am willing to give it up. Plus Target has a lot of really cute plastic, dishwasher safe options.

Anyway, this event was right after her birthday, so maybe the first week in February. I wasn't sure what to expect once we owned the panties, but I figured we'd give potty training a try. We tried the "3 Day Method" to train her. I didn't read that much about it, but basically you commit to keeping your toddler in panties for 3 days. Naps and nights are the exception.

Day 1 was terrible. I was ready to give up and felt like all I taught her was to be terrified of peeing! My poor baby girl would hold it for hours and then when her tiny bladder had to give in, she screamed and froze and got pee everywhere! At one point that day, I just gave her chocolates for a hour or so for continually sitting on the potty. We sang songs, read books, mommy danced in the bathroom to no avail. She would not go in potty. I was just about to give in but remembered my commitment to 3 days.

Day 2 we made some progress. This was the day I told her she would only get chocolate (mini m&ms) when she made a pee or poo in the potty. This must of motivated her somehow because she sat on the pot and would make tiny drips and ask for a chocolate each time. Drip drip, chocolate. Drip drip chocolate. I was thrilled. Some progress was encouraging after my previous day of constant steam mopping. Dipping her hands in warm water also seemed to help her relax.

Day 3 was like Eureka for her! Somehow it all connected and we got through the day with very few accidents. We still have some difficulty pooping in the potty and overnight she still wears a diaper. Sometimes when she is really having fun or distracted she will have an accident. Other than that though we have a potty trained 2 year old!

It's a little bittersweet. I am so proud of Julianne. She loves wearing "big girl" panties and doing all things "big girl". I am amazed at how quickly she grasped this new concept and how she is able to learn. It's just, she's my baby. I am sad to see her baby-ness go away and grieved to pack away the diapers. I suppose it's panty shopping from here on out with Julianne. As much as I miss the baby version of her, I am loving the little girl she is becoming.

In the Quiet Times...

Last night I couldn't get to sleep. It's not uncommon these days as the night comes and everything goes quiet. The stillness of the night draws my mind to the stillness in my womb. I can't distract myself with housework, or parenting, or conversations with Andrew about the business. No, in this quiet time I think about my babies. I ache for them and cry big tears. My mind jumps from one thought to another from how many weeks I would have been, to how I shouldn't be able to sleep on my stomach anymore,  to what will we do with our crib when Julianne needs a big girl bed. The thoughts can linger for hours until my body finally succumbs to exhaustion.

I've been told by several people how well I seem to be doing. How it must be getting easier for me. I seem more "myself". They aren't wrong, time has eased some of the intensity of my heart ache. I am not debilitated by it as I one was. However, the pain is always there. It's chronic and I've just learned how to live with it better. The reality I am not pregnant and we aren't bringing a baby home this summer is normal now rather than unbelievable. It's almost more lonely in this stage. In the beginning I knew other people were crying too, grieving with me. As time has passes though, I often feel like the only one shedding tears still. I suppose that's my privilege as their mother. I am the one who should continue to miss them, mourn them.

I imagine the difficult quiet times will get fewer and further between. God meets me there and knows my pain. I think of Jesus during his quiet time in the garden. When all his friends went to sleep and he was left to carry the burden alone. How he sweat blood and grieved over what he was about to endure. He knows my suffering. I am thankful he doesn't sleep while I mourn. He is there in the quiet times.

Water Tots

It has become apparent that our daughter loves to be in any body of water. Her newest joy in life are showers with Mommy, which has ended any private personal time I still laid claim to. The point is she loves to be wet. A few times my mom has taken Julianne to our local rec center pool and we never heard the end of "pool" "pool" "pool". So when I saw they offered a swim class twice a week, I signed us up. Daddy was able to attend the first session so I sat out and took pictures.

 I've always thought this age group couldn't really benefit from "swimming lessons" and that anything of the sort was a huge waste of money. However, I do think she is learning a few skills like blowing bubbles, and holding her breath when she goes under.

 Plus it gets us to the "pool" where she gets wet and tired and has the best time. I've also met a few other moms in the community so that's a win. We haven't been doing such a great job of investing in relationships with the people we live near.

 

I also get a bit of a workout throwing our 30lb. fish around the water as we participate in the songs and such.  Daddy was sore after this session. His new home inspector physique thanked him though. Turns out crawling through attics and climbing onto roofs helps you stay in shape. He is looking good!

Getting out is the only hard part. In this case it looks like for Daddy too.

Gratitude...

On this journey I've been encouraged to be thankful. Many well meaning friends and family have offered comments such as, "At least you have Julianne. She is so beautiful, make sure you are thankful for her", "Be thankful you are still young, if you were older there might not be time for more babies", and my doctor told me, "You should be grateful since it seems like you can get pregnant." These things I am thankful for, though I might encourage people not to say such comments to a person grieving pregnancy loss. Though they were said in love and encouragement, I felt like my loss was minimized. Like it shouldn't hurt so badly, since I have been blessed in other reproductive areas. These friends were right though in telling me to be thankful, and I am beginning to feel more gratitude toward my situation. 

A turning point for me came from a book I am reading on loss. The author also encourages thankfulness, but for something no one else has asked me to be thankful for. Nancy Guthrie, a women who lost two babies at 6 months old, writes in her book Holding Onto Hope, "Would you be willing to thank God for the gift he gave you that he has now taken away?" I have struggled with these words. How can I be thankful for the weeks of worry and queasiness that amounted to an empty womb? I never considered thanking the Lord for our children after we lost them. I thanked God for them every day they were growing inside me, but once they were gone I didn't feel very thankful. I think the Lord in his mercy though is showing me I was wrong in that. Although our time with them was short, the Lord blessed us with a second and third child. He knitted together life in my womb and gave us joy in the anticipation of meeting them. I had forgotten that.

Thank you Lord for the life you chose to make within me. Thank you for the weeks of pregnancy you gave us. For the children you asked me to carry for a short time. Thank you for showing me how wrong I was to feel entitled to gifts that weren't mine to begin with. Help me to entrust You with all you've blessed me with. May my hands be opened to the things I clutch so tightly.

"Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for ALL he has done." Colossians 2:7

Reading Time....

Today I walked into Julianne's room and observed a very focused study of the Jesus Storybook Bible:

May she always be so zealous for God's Word!

Heavenly Father.....

Thank you for bringing some peace to my heart this week. I can't explain it, but something inside me has begun to submit to your call to grief. Thank you for showing me who you are in your word. That you are faithful to your promises, and compassionate toward your people. That I have eyes to see you is a marvelous gift I don't deserve. I still can't see your purposes for this season of our life, but I have a renewed hope in that there is a purpose.

"For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men" Lamentations 3:31-33

You have not asked me to walk in meaningless suffering, I can trust you. Thank you for all those around me who are willing to pray and petition for this peace in my heart. On Tuesday I openly confessed to the women I am walking with how envious I was of other families. How I struggle with comparing our family to the ones around us. How it is so terribly difficult to be in this stage of life with pregnancy all around me. I cried and confessed my sin. My sin to doubt your plan for us. My sin to covet others and their stories. They promised to pray for me and they must be. Thank you for the freedom this profession brought. Like admitting it publicly squashed the power these thoughts had over me. Thank you that my heart feels less embittered towards those experiencing healthy pregnancy.

I expect there will still be hard days to come and a continual fight in submitting to your plan. I still dread the milestones ahead I am missing. The sore ribs from kicking, the leg cramps, the chubby cheeks I won't be kissing. I pray this peace would last, that my heart would continue to find rest in you. Please keep me close as I am still in pain.

Thank you that there is hope beyond this world. That you promise to restore us to you. That my babies with you will not endure the pain and suffering of this world.

"The righteous pass away; the godly often die before their time. And no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For the godly who die will rest in peace" Isaiah 57:1-2

They are with you and that is not a tragedy. They really have the best situation. I miss them so much but must rejoice that they are where I long to be one day. This pain has increased my longing for the day I see you face to face. The day I worship with them in heaven.

Amen

Blessed are those who mourn....

......for they will be comforted. -Jesus

(I wrote the following post about a week ago. I have wrestled over posting it, but felt I should share)

I have been avoiding writing here for some time. There is so much to catch up on, so much I haven't said. The last 6 months of our lives have been some of the most trying and painful.

3 weeks ago I was 13.5 weeks pregnant. We hadn't told many people since we wanted to be sure this pregnancy would be healthy. We were cautious because only 3 months before we lost our precious baby at 6 weeks. Now I have two babies in heaven and can only think to write to the Lord what's on my heart.

Heavenly Father,

My heart feels broken beyond repair. I wish I knew why you saw it fit to allow 2 of my babies to die. I know they are with you and I am thankful for that, but I want them with me. I want to feel them move inside my womb. I ache to have me belly swell and pull out our "baby sister/brother" boxes of clothes. I long for Julianne to have a sibling to grow up with. I am haunted by the night in the ER when the ultrasound revealed a beautiful, fully formed child without a heartbeat. The image of the stillness of her is more than I can bear. I am angry you have asked me to walk in grief again, called me to endure this pain. What good can come from it? I know you make all things good, your Word tells us that, I pray you would show me. Right now all I can understand is how broken this world is and how our only hope is you. We long for you to return to end the suffering of this world. I know I deserve worse, others are enduring unimaginable suffering, Jesus please come!

Even though my heart knows this hope, the pain is still deep Lord. I know you know the depth of it but why can't my husband? He hurts too and longs for our children, but it is much different for him. He is not plagued with constant bleeding, surgery, and the physical pain I've endured. Forgive me Lord for my resentment toward him for that. Help us come together in this time, help him endure this with me. It cannot be easy for him and I pray you'd give me grace toward him. Thank you for my husband, help us be sanctified in you. Strengthen our marriage.

Lord I confess that I look at other families and envy them. I desire their ability to have many children close in age. I covet their seemingly easy journey to grow their families. I judge those who complain about how hard it is to have many children, don't they see the gift they've been given? It feels terribly unfair that we want our children so badly and they die inside me. We want many children and feel puzzled why you haven't blessed us with more. Children are a blessing from you, we see them that way, we long to bring them up in an understanding of the Gospel. So why Lord have you taken them from us? I may never know why, help me trust your plan for our family. Please give me peace in my heart with whatever your plan is. Please free me from comparing ours to others. Help me rejoice with the many other women in my life who get to birth and raise their babies. I particularly envy those who are pregnant now and due this summer. Help me be their friend, please protect my heart from bitterness.

Lord help me process this grief. I feel so weak and weary in it and there is so much to process. I grieve our precious baby we lost at 6 weeks due this May. My heart still aches for him or her. I don't have words to describe how devastated I feel we've now lost our baby due in July. I expected to miscarry early on, but it seems particularly cruel it was at 14 weeks. We felt safe because we'd heard the heartbeat at our ten week appointment. What a glorious sound! I begged you Lord to keep this baby safe, to please let us meet him or her this side of heaven. I prayed every day for a healthy pregnancy and baby and I was so thankful for each day that passed. I know you hear me Father, but it hurts that you said no. You are the God of the universe and I believe in your sovereignty. I believe your master plan is best. I trust you. I still wish you had answered me in the way I was hoping. It hurts so badly, so deep are my wounds and I've lost much. Father please comfort me, please bring me peace. 

I know you are at work. I know because I have walked this journey before. I know that my testimony will one day be of how much good came from this season in my life. Please let my children have a legacy to encourage others. May your Holy Spirit fill me that some fruit might come from my grief. Help me be patient. Draw me close to you Lord, as I know you are the only unfaltering rock to cling to.

Amen

Enjoying My Labor....

" There is nothing better for a man, than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour. This also I saw, that it was from the hand of God." Ecclesiastes 2:24-25


Mothering is, at times, very laborious. There have been many days where I can honestly say my soul did not "enjoy my labor". However, joy in my daily grind these days is easy to come by, and I am continually reminded it is "from the hand of God". Even the most mundane errands take on new light with a curious toddler in tow. 


Julianne has become my car conversationalist, my grocery shopping pupil, dry cleaning pick up partner, my laundry assistant. She finds such excitement and delight in "helping" mommy. Her joy is contagious as she finds even the smallest things wonderful and new. It has been so fun seeing the world through her eyes. There are endless opportunities to point her to the great God of the universe who created it all for his glory and our joy! Here are some of the other things we are filling our days doing:

Swimming!

I bought this pool for $7 on the clearance isle at Walmart. It has resulted in hours of fun.

Fountain Gazing:

Our girl loves water and isn't partial to its source. Dropping coins in is now a favorite pastime....

 

 Gardening:

I have successfully grown my very first tomato! I have visions of a proper vegetable garden one day with all of our kids planting and harvesting our "crops". If they are all as interested as their biggest sister Julianne, we should have quite the veggie loot. I also am trying to get Andrew to agree to building and sustaining a chicken coop, but that is a different post...

Ball Tossing:

Perhaps we have an athlete in the family?

Reading:
Julianne has finally shown some interest in her books and can sit through a story if she's in the mood. We are spending some time at the library this summer and she is loving it. (please excuse the sweaty, pre-showered mommy)













Pretty sure I am going to miss this age....


Nathalie

The Cupcake Kids Bake Sale This Sunday: Helping the Unwanted Children in Uganda

 Andrew and I recently started leading a Bible Study Group at our church. I should really write a whole post about this experience as it has been amazing to see the Lord at work.We typically meet on Sunday evenings but since this month has an extra Sunday, our group wanted to use that time to serve together! Seriously, we continue to be amazed at how awesome the people are the Lord put in our group. Serving together as families....how beautiful! Since we have 12 kids in the group we wanted to think of a project that would involve our children and The Cupcake Kids benefiting Sixty Feet came to mind.

The Cupcake Kids is a children's outreach impacting unwanted orphans in Uganda. There are more details on the organization below, but basically they minister to imprisoned children in the name of Christ. Our kids are going to be baking cupcakes and accepting donations for their efforts. I am not sure how much Julianne will get it, although the girl loves her some cake! I do think serving together as a family is incredibly valuable though even at her age. What an amazing opportunity to live out the Gospel for her and explain (if only practicing) that God calls us to help and serve others as he served us with His life. That we were also orphans but because Christ died the death we deserved, we are adopted as sons and daughters of the King! I am over the moon excited about it.

All this to say, our group is setting up shop THIS Sunday 4/29 from 5-6:30PM to raise funds for this cause. We will be at the Campbell Green Park at Parkhill and Campbell (one block west of Hillcrest) in North Dallas. If you love cupcakes, live in the area, or know anyone who does we’d love to see you and have help passing the word!

Nathalie


What is Sixty Feet?
SixtyFeet has been working specifically in Uganda for the past two years providing relief to hundreds of orphaned and abandoned children who reside in government run Remand Centers, what we in the States commonly call juvenile detention centers. The only difference is that the vast majority of these children have not committed any crime. Mostly, they are children under the age of 12 who are simply unwanted. They are street beggars who have been rounded up by the police, unwanted children who have been dropped off by a stepparent, handicapped and mentally disabled children, and orphaned refugees fleeing war torn countries in Africa. These Remand Centers are grossly overcrowded and terribly under funded.
SixtyFeet was created in April of 2010 to bring hope and healing to these children through the love of Jesus Christ.
By making a donation and buying a cupcake from The Cupcake Kids, you are helping to bring hope and a future to wrongly imprisoned children of Africa! 100% of the funds raised by The Cupcake Kids are used for the support of those helping the children in Uganda and resources necessary to provide for their needs.
www.SixtyFeet.org
www.TheCupcakeKids.org

I Used to Be a Dog Person

I'm not sure anyone else has gone/is going through this, but I am finding I have a love/loathe relationship with our family dog Wesson. I've compiled a list to get some of this off my chest maybe re-gain my "dog person" status.

#1. LOVE: Wesson makes me exercise. Studies have shown exercise has many positive benefits. Some include: heart disease prevention, muscle building/toning, and weight management. People who exercise also often find they are happier due to endorphins. For these I am most grateful. I have also found dog walking is a ministry tool, as most of the neighbors I meet as a result of a dog walking encounter.

#1. LOATHE: Wesson makes me exercise. Sometimes I just don't feel like walking or running our neighborhood for 30 plus minutes. The time and energy it takes to load Julianne into the proper clothing, put her in in the stroller with a snack then harness up the dog, is at times a daunting task in itself. Not to mention, it is not always nice outside! If the weather is questionable, the pack and load time increases substantially. Why not just skip the walk? Our dog has ENERGY people. Google "English Pointer" after you're done reading this and you'll discover pointers are built to run all day chasing birds and such. If we don't go he is bouncing off the walls all over the house taking out all in his path. In other words, HE DRIVES ME CRAZY! In my naiveté, I thought this was the perfect dog for marathon runners like Andrew and I. Fast forward 2 years: Andrew has all together given up the sport, we have a child, and I am struggling to meet Wesson's need for speed.

#2. LOVE: I vacuum everyday. Having a freshly vacuumed space is very warm and inviting. It looks nice when your carpet has those lines in the floor. I also would bet my carpet and floor tiles lack many of those microscopic organisms I learned about in Biology. Though my floors would not appear to be the cleanest, I'd bet germ-wise they are quite pristine. This chore is also a good way to exercise and burn some extra calories (see above for those benefits).

#2. LOATHE: I vacuum everyday. OK if I am honest, it is 5 times a week or so, but still I do this activity A LOT! Most of the time Julianne is on one hip too since I am trying to remove hair from wherever she is at any given time. This task is an endless losing battle. I could vacuum all day long and 10 minutes later, pick up my baby covered in tiny white hairs. He sheds CONSTANTLY. I had no idea this breed would be such a mess, but unfortunately I was wrong. AND IT'S NOT JUST HAIR. Anytime there is any sort of precipitation, Wesson comes in with muddy paws. Despite my best efforts to remove the mud clots, I inevitably miss some, and end up with brown paw prints all over the house. The dirt clots then dry into small pebble like choking hazards our daughter makes every effort to find and swallow. All this to say, floor cleaning occupies more of my time and energy than I'd like most days.

#3. LOVE: Wesson accompanies Julianne at mealtimes. This is very helpful in the cleanup department. She drops food here and there and he is quick to make it disappear. This saves me some time at the end of our eating experience and I appreciate that.



#3. LOATHE: Wesson accompanies Julianne at mealtimes. We have found this to be problematic for a couple of reasons. The first being her desire to feed Wesson. If I am not watching her take every bite, I will soon see she is handing Wesson a bite of her food. Sometimes he will lick on it some then she will decide she indeed would like that bite and eats it! Gross.... Secondly, she purposely throws food for him, for which we have had to end meals prematurely to avoid. No fun for any of us.

#4: LOVE: Wesson and Julianne are best buds. This is probably the only reason he is still around. That, and I have issues with giving up a dog I made a commitment to give a good life. I signed my name on the doggie adoption paper so I am in. Seriously though, they love each other. She will crawl over to him and give him kisses which he happily returns. She points and waves at him all day and he is very patient with her. Wesson could care less when Julianne gouges out his eyeballs or bites his ears. He lets her pull his tongue and toenails. They have a bond.

I'm not sure this post has converted me back to a "dog person" but it has made me feel better. Maybe slowly Wesson will grow back on me. Perhaps when all our kids are born and grown and they can take over some of the chores. Until then, I will try to keep in mind the reasons I love Wesson.

Nathalie