Reading Time....

Today I walked into Julianne's room and observed a very focused study of the Jesus Storybook Bible:

May she always be so zealous for God's Word!

Heavenly Father.....

Thank you for bringing some peace to my heart this week. I can't explain it, but something inside me has begun to submit to your call to grief. Thank you for showing me who you are in your word. That you are faithful to your promises, and compassionate toward your people. That I have eyes to see you is a marvelous gift I don't deserve. I still can't see your purposes for this season of our life, but I have a renewed hope in that there is a purpose.

"For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men" Lamentations 3:31-33

You have not asked me to walk in meaningless suffering, I can trust you. Thank you for all those around me who are willing to pray and petition for this peace in my heart. On Tuesday I openly confessed to the women I am walking with how envious I was of other families. How I struggle with comparing our family to the ones around us. How it is so terribly difficult to be in this stage of life with pregnancy all around me. I cried and confessed my sin. My sin to doubt your plan for us. My sin to covet others and their stories. They promised to pray for me and they must be. Thank you for the freedom this profession brought. Like admitting it publicly squashed the power these thoughts had over me. Thank you that my heart feels less embittered towards those experiencing healthy pregnancy.

I expect there will still be hard days to come and a continual fight in submitting to your plan. I still dread the milestones ahead I am missing. The sore ribs from kicking, the leg cramps, the chubby cheeks I won't be kissing. I pray this peace would last, that my heart would continue to find rest in you. Please keep me close as I am still in pain.

Thank you that there is hope beyond this world. That you promise to restore us to you. That my babies with you will not endure the pain and suffering of this world.

"The righteous pass away; the godly often die before their time. And no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For the godly who die will rest in peace" Isaiah 57:1-2

They are with you and that is not a tragedy. They really have the best situation. I miss them so much but must rejoice that they are where I long to be one day. This pain has increased my longing for the day I see you face to face. The day I worship with them in heaven.

Amen

Blessed are those who mourn....

......for they will be comforted. -Jesus

(I wrote the following post about a week ago. I have wrestled over posting it, but felt I should share)

I have been avoiding writing here for some time. There is so much to catch up on, so much I haven't said. The last 6 months of our lives have been some of the most trying and painful.

3 weeks ago I was 13.5 weeks pregnant. We hadn't told many people since we wanted to be sure this pregnancy would be healthy. We were cautious because only 3 months before we lost our precious baby at 6 weeks. Now I have two babies in heaven and can only think to write to the Lord what's on my heart.

Heavenly Father,

My heart feels broken beyond repair. I wish I knew why you saw it fit to allow 2 of my babies to die. I know they are with you and I am thankful for that, but I want them with me. I want to feel them move inside my womb. I ache to have me belly swell and pull out our "baby sister/brother" boxes of clothes. I long for Julianne to have a sibling to grow up with. I am haunted by the night in the ER when the ultrasound revealed a beautiful, fully formed child without a heartbeat. The image of the stillness of her is more than I can bear. I am angry you have asked me to walk in grief again, called me to endure this pain. What good can come from it? I know you make all things good, your Word tells us that, I pray you would show me. Right now all I can understand is how broken this world is and how our only hope is you. We long for you to return to end the suffering of this world. I know I deserve worse, others are enduring unimaginable suffering, Jesus please come!

Even though my heart knows this hope, the pain is still deep Lord. I know you know the depth of it but why can't my husband? He hurts too and longs for our children, but it is much different for him. He is not plagued with constant bleeding, surgery, and the physical pain I've endured. Forgive me Lord for my resentment toward him for that. Help us come together in this time, help him endure this with me. It cannot be easy for him and I pray you'd give me grace toward him. Thank you for my husband, help us be sanctified in you. Strengthen our marriage.

Lord I confess that I look at other families and envy them. I desire their ability to have many children close in age. I covet their seemingly easy journey to grow their families. I judge those who complain about how hard it is to have many children, don't they see the gift they've been given? It feels terribly unfair that we want our children so badly and they die inside me. We want many children and feel puzzled why you haven't blessed us with more. Children are a blessing from you, we see them that way, we long to bring them up in an understanding of the Gospel. So why Lord have you taken them from us? I may never know why, help me trust your plan for our family. Please give me peace in my heart with whatever your plan is. Please free me from comparing ours to others. Help me rejoice with the many other women in my life who get to birth and raise their babies. I particularly envy those who are pregnant now and due this summer. Help me be their friend, please protect my heart from bitterness.

Lord help me process this grief. I feel so weak and weary in it and there is so much to process. I grieve our precious baby we lost at 6 weeks due this May. My heart still aches for him or her. I don't have words to describe how devastated I feel we've now lost our baby due in July. I expected to miscarry early on, but it seems particularly cruel it was at 14 weeks. We felt safe because we'd heard the heartbeat at our ten week appointment. What a glorious sound! I begged you Lord to keep this baby safe, to please let us meet him or her this side of heaven. I prayed every day for a healthy pregnancy and baby and I was so thankful for each day that passed. I know you hear me Father, but it hurts that you said no. You are the God of the universe and I believe in your sovereignty. I believe your master plan is best. I trust you. I still wish you had answered me in the way I was hoping. It hurts so badly, so deep are my wounds and I've lost much. Father please comfort me, please bring me peace. 

I know you are at work. I know because I have walked this journey before. I know that my testimony will one day be of how much good came from this season in my life. Please let my children have a legacy to encourage others. May your Holy Spirit fill me that some fruit might come from my grief. Help me be patient. Draw me close to you Lord, as I know you are the only unfaltering rock to cling to.

Amen

Enjoying My Labor....

" There is nothing better for a man, than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour. This also I saw, that it was from the hand of God." Ecclesiastes 2:24-25


Mothering is, at times, very laborious. There have been many days where I can honestly say my soul did not "enjoy my labor". However, joy in my daily grind these days is easy to come by, and I am continually reminded it is "from the hand of God". Even the most mundane errands take on new light with a curious toddler in tow. 


Julianne has become my car conversationalist, my grocery shopping pupil, dry cleaning pick up partner, my laundry assistant. She finds such excitement and delight in "helping" mommy. Her joy is contagious as she finds even the smallest things wonderful and new. It has been so fun seeing the world through her eyes. There are endless opportunities to point her to the great God of the universe who created it all for his glory and our joy! Here are some of the other things we are filling our days doing:

Swimming!

I bought this pool for $7 on the clearance isle at Walmart. It has resulted in hours of fun.

Fountain Gazing:

Our girl loves water and isn't partial to its source. Dropping coins in is now a favorite pastime....

 

 Gardening:

I have successfully grown my very first tomato! I have visions of a proper vegetable garden one day with all of our kids planting and harvesting our "crops". If they are all as interested as their biggest sister Julianne, we should have quite the veggie loot. I also am trying to get Andrew to agree to building and sustaining a chicken coop, but that is a different post...

Ball Tossing:

Perhaps we have an athlete in the family?

Reading:
Julianne has finally shown some interest in her books and can sit through a story if she's in the mood. We are spending some time at the library this summer and she is loving it. (please excuse the sweaty, pre-showered mommy)













Pretty sure I am going to miss this age....


Nathalie

The Cupcake Kids Bake Sale This Sunday: Helping the Unwanted Children in Uganda

 Andrew and I recently started leading a Bible Study Group at our church. I should really write a whole post about this experience as it has been amazing to see the Lord at work.We typically meet on Sunday evenings but since this month has an extra Sunday, our group wanted to use that time to serve together! Seriously, we continue to be amazed at how awesome the people are the Lord put in our group. Serving together as families....how beautiful! Since we have 12 kids in the group we wanted to think of a project that would involve our children and The Cupcake Kids benefiting Sixty Feet came to mind.

The Cupcake Kids is a children's outreach impacting unwanted orphans in Uganda. There are more details on the organization below, but basically they minister to imprisoned children in the name of Christ. Our kids are going to be baking cupcakes and accepting donations for their efforts. I am not sure how much Julianne will get it, although the girl loves her some cake! I do think serving together as a family is incredibly valuable though even at her age. What an amazing opportunity to live out the Gospel for her and explain (if only practicing) that God calls us to help and serve others as he served us with His life. That we were also orphans but because Christ died the death we deserved, we are adopted as sons and daughters of the King! I am over the moon excited about it.

All this to say, our group is setting up shop THIS Sunday 4/29 from 5-6:30PM to raise funds for this cause. We will be at the Campbell Green Park at Parkhill and Campbell (one block west of Hillcrest) in North Dallas. If you love cupcakes, live in the area, or know anyone who does we’d love to see you and have help passing the word!

Nathalie


What is Sixty Feet?
SixtyFeet has been working specifically in Uganda for the past two years providing relief to hundreds of orphaned and abandoned children who reside in government run Remand Centers, what we in the States commonly call juvenile detention centers. The only difference is that the vast majority of these children have not committed any crime. Mostly, they are children under the age of 12 who are simply unwanted. They are street beggars who have been rounded up by the police, unwanted children who have been dropped off by a stepparent, handicapped and mentally disabled children, and orphaned refugees fleeing war torn countries in Africa. These Remand Centers are grossly overcrowded and terribly under funded.
SixtyFeet was created in April of 2010 to bring hope and healing to these children through the love of Jesus Christ.
By making a donation and buying a cupcake from The Cupcake Kids, you are helping to bring hope and a future to wrongly imprisoned children of Africa! 100% of the funds raised by The Cupcake Kids are used for the support of those helping the children in Uganda and resources necessary to provide for their needs.
www.SixtyFeet.org
www.TheCupcakeKids.org