In the Quiet Times...

Last night I couldn't get to sleep. It's not uncommon these days as the night comes and everything goes quiet. The stillness of the night draws my mind to the stillness in my womb. I can't distract myself with housework, or parenting, or conversations with Andrew about the business. No, in this quiet time I think about my babies. I ache for them and cry big tears. My mind jumps from one thought to another from how many weeks I would have been, to how I shouldn't be able to sleep on my stomach anymore,  to what will we do with our crib when Julianne needs a big girl bed. The thoughts can linger for hours until my body finally succumbs to exhaustion.

I've been told by several people how well I seem to be doing. How it must be getting easier for me. I seem more "myself". They aren't wrong, time has eased some of the intensity of my heart ache. I am not debilitated by it as I one was. However, the pain is always there. It's chronic and I've just learned how to live with it better. The reality I am not pregnant and we aren't bringing a baby home this summer is normal now rather than unbelievable. It's almost more lonely in this stage. In the beginning I knew other people were crying too, grieving with me. As time has passes though, I often feel like the only one shedding tears still. I suppose that's my privilege as their mother. I am the one who should continue to miss them, mourn them.

I imagine the difficult quiet times will get fewer and further between. God meets me there and knows my pain. I think of Jesus during his quiet time in the garden. When all his friends went to sleep and he was left to carry the burden alone. How he sweat blood and grieved over what he was about to endure. He knows my suffering. I am thankful he doesn't sleep while I mourn. He is there in the quiet times.

Gratitude...

On this journey I've been encouraged to be thankful. Many well meaning friends and family have offered comments such as, "At least you have Julianne. She is so beautiful, make sure you are thankful for her", "Be thankful you are still young, if you were older there might not be time for more babies", and my doctor told me, "You should be grateful since it seems like you can get pregnant." These things I am thankful for, though I might encourage people not to say such comments to a person grieving pregnancy loss. Though they were said in love and encouragement, I felt like my loss was minimized. Like it shouldn't hurt so badly, since I have been blessed in other reproductive areas. These friends were right though in telling me to be thankful, and I am beginning to feel more gratitude toward my situation. 

A turning point for me came from a book I am reading on loss. The author also encourages thankfulness, but for something no one else has asked me to be thankful for. Nancy Guthrie, a women who lost two babies at 6 months old, writes in her book Holding Onto Hope, "Would you be willing to thank God for the gift he gave you that he has now taken away?" I have struggled with these words. How can I be thankful for the weeks of worry and queasiness that amounted to an empty womb? I never considered thanking the Lord for our children after we lost them. I thanked God for them every day they were growing inside me, but once they were gone I didn't feel very thankful. I think the Lord in his mercy though is showing me I was wrong in that. Although our time with them was short, the Lord blessed us with a second and third child. He knitted together life in my womb and gave us joy in the anticipation of meeting them. I had forgotten that.

Thank you Lord for the life you chose to make within me. Thank you for the weeks of pregnancy you gave us. For the children you asked me to carry for a short time. Thank you for showing me how wrong I was to feel entitled to gifts that weren't mine to begin with. Help me to entrust You with all you've blessed me with. May my hands be opened to the things I clutch so tightly.

"Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for ALL he has done." Colossians 2:7

Heavenly Father.....

Thank you for bringing some peace to my heart this week. I can't explain it, but something inside me has begun to submit to your call to grief. Thank you for showing me who you are in your word. That you are faithful to your promises, and compassionate toward your people. That I have eyes to see you is a marvelous gift I don't deserve. I still can't see your purposes for this season of our life, but I have a renewed hope in that there is a purpose.

"For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men" Lamentations 3:31-33

You have not asked me to walk in meaningless suffering, I can trust you. Thank you for all those around me who are willing to pray and petition for this peace in my heart. On Tuesday I openly confessed to the women I am walking with how envious I was of other families. How I struggle with comparing our family to the ones around us. How it is so terribly difficult to be in this stage of life with pregnancy all around me. I cried and confessed my sin. My sin to doubt your plan for us. My sin to covet others and their stories. They promised to pray for me and they must be. Thank you for the freedom this profession brought. Like admitting it publicly squashed the power these thoughts had over me. Thank you that my heart feels less embittered towards those experiencing healthy pregnancy.

I expect there will still be hard days to come and a continual fight in submitting to your plan. I still dread the milestones ahead I am missing. The sore ribs from kicking, the leg cramps, the chubby cheeks I won't be kissing. I pray this peace would last, that my heart would continue to find rest in you. Please keep me close as I am still in pain.

Thank you that there is hope beyond this world. That you promise to restore us to you. That my babies with you will not endure the pain and suffering of this world.

"The righteous pass away; the godly often die before their time. And no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For the godly who die will rest in peace" Isaiah 57:1-2

They are with you and that is not a tragedy. They really have the best situation. I miss them so much but must rejoice that they are where I long to be one day. This pain has increased my longing for the day I see you face to face. The day I worship with them in heaven.

Amen

Blessed are those who mourn....

......for they will be comforted. -Jesus

(I wrote the following post about a week ago. I have wrestled over posting it, but felt I should share)

I have been avoiding writing here for some time. There is so much to catch up on, so much I haven't said. The last 6 months of our lives have been some of the most trying and painful.

3 weeks ago I was 13.5 weeks pregnant. We hadn't told many people since we wanted to be sure this pregnancy would be healthy. We were cautious because only 3 months before we lost our precious baby at 6 weeks. Now I have two babies in heaven and can only think to write to the Lord what's on my heart.

Heavenly Father,

My heart feels broken beyond repair. I wish I knew why you saw it fit to allow 2 of my babies to die. I know they are with you and I am thankful for that, but I want them with me. I want to feel them move inside my womb. I ache to have me belly swell and pull out our "baby sister/brother" boxes of clothes. I long for Julianne to have a sibling to grow up with. I am haunted by the night in the ER when the ultrasound revealed a beautiful, fully formed child without a heartbeat. The image of the stillness of her is more than I can bear. I am angry you have asked me to walk in grief again, called me to endure this pain. What good can come from it? I know you make all things good, your Word tells us that, I pray you would show me. Right now all I can understand is how broken this world is and how our only hope is you. We long for you to return to end the suffering of this world. I know I deserve worse, others are enduring unimaginable suffering, Jesus please come!

Even though my heart knows this hope, the pain is still deep Lord. I know you know the depth of it but why can't my husband? He hurts too and longs for our children, but it is much different for him. He is not plagued with constant bleeding, surgery, and the physical pain I've endured. Forgive me Lord for my resentment toward him for that. Help us come together in this time, help him endure this with me. It cannot be easy for him and I pray you'd give me grace toward him. Thank you for my husband, help us be sanctified in you. Strengthen our marriage.

Lord I confess that I look at other families and envy them. I desire their ability to have many children close in age. I covet their seemingly easy journey to grow their families. I judge those who complain about how hard it is to have many children, don't they see the gift they've been given? It feels terribly unfair that we want our children so badly and they die inside me. We want many children and feel puzzled why you haven't blessed us with more. Children are a blessing from you, we see them that way, we long to bring them up in an understanding of the Gospel. So why Lord have you taken them from us? I may never know why, help me trust your plan for our family. Please give me peace in my heart with whatever your plan is. Please free me from comparing ours to others. Help me rejoice with the many other women in my life who get to birth and raise their babies. I particularly envy those who are pregnant now and due this summer. Help me be their friend, please protect my heart from bitterness.

Lord help me process this grief. I feel so weak and weary in it and there is so much to process. I grieve our precious baby we lost at 6 weeks due this May. My heart still aches for him or her. I don't have words to describe how devastated I feel we've now lost our baby due in July. I expected to miscarry early on, but it seems particularly cruel it was at 14 weeks. We felt safe because we'd heard the heartbeat at our ten week appointment. What a glorious sound! I begged you Lord to keep this baby safe, to please let us meet him or her this side of heaven. I prayed every day for a healthy pregnancy and baby and I was so thankful for each day that passed. I know you hear me Father, but it hurts that you said no. You are the God of the universe and I believe in your sovereignty. I believe your master plan is best. I trust you. I still wish you had answered me in the way I was hoping. It hurts so badly, so deep are my wounds and I've lost much. Father please comfort me, please bring me peace. 

I know you are at work. I know because I have walked this journey before. I know that my testimony will one day be of how much good came from this season in my life. Please let my children have a legacy to encourage others. May your Holy Spirit fill me that some fruit might come from my grief. Help me be patient. Draw me close to you Lord, as I know you are the only unfaltering rock to cling to.

Amen