Panty Trip...

The time comes in every young girl's life for a very important right of passage. The day she purchases her first pair, or pack in this case, of "panties".

We invited Dad along who is a sucker for Target popcorn and Diet Coke. Julianne is learning this vice as well.

Now that we had our snack, we're ready to head to the panty isle!



Since Mom forgot to snap a pic in the panty isle, Julianne was asked to pose with her panty pack in the plastic dish ware isle. We also needed to pick up some plastic plates after loosing several glass ones. I suppose my child will not be the one child in America who can use a real plate. I had way to high of expectations for that and I am willing to give it up. Plus Target has a lot of really cute plastic, dishwasher safe options.

Anyway, this event was right after her birthday, so maybe the first week in February. I wasn't sure what to expect once we owned the panties, but I figured we'd give potty training a try. We tried the "3 Day Method" to train her. I didn't read that much about it, but basically you commit to keeping your toddler in panties for 3 days. Naps and nights are the exception.

Day 1 was terrible. I was ready to give up and felt like all I taught her was to be terrified of peeing! My poor baby girl would hold it for hours and then when her tiny bladder had to give in, she screamed and froze and got pee everywhere! At one point that day, I just gave her chocolates for a hour or so for continually sitting on the potty. We sang songs, read books, mommy danced in the bathroom to no avail. She would not go in potty. I was just about to give in but remembered my commitment to 3 days.

Day 2 we made some progress. This was the day I told her she would only get chocolate (mini m&ms) when she made a pee or poo in the potty. This must of motivated her somehow because she sat on the pot and would make tiny drips and ask for a chocolate each time. Drip drip, chocolate. Drip drip chocolate. I was thrilled. Some progress was encouraging after my previous day of constant steam mopping. Dipping her hands in warm water also seemed to help her relax.

Day 3 was like Eureka for her! Somehow it all connected and we got through the day with very few accidents. We still have some difficulty pooping in the potty and overnight she still wears a diaper. Sometimes when she is really having fun or distracted she will have an accident. Other than that though we have a potty trained 2 year old!

It's a little bittersweet. I am so proud of Julianne. She loves wearing "big girl" panties and doing all things "big girl". I am amazed at how quickly she grasped this new concept and how she is able to learn. It's just, she's my baby. I am sad to see her baby-ness go away and grieved to pack away the diapers. I suppose it's panty shopping from here on out with Julianne. As much as I miss the baby version of her, I am loving the little girl she is becoming.

In the Quiet Times...

Last night I couldn't get to sleep. It's not uncommon these days as the night comes and everything goes quiet. The stillness of the night draws my mind to the stillness in my womb. I can't distract myself with housework, or parenting, or conversations with Andrew about the business. No, in this quiet time I think about my babies. I ache for them and cry big tears. My mind jumps from one thought to another from how many weeks I would have been, to how I shouldn't be able to sleep on my stomach anymore,  to what will we do with our crib when Julianne needs a big girl bed. The thoughts can linger for hours until my body finally succumbs to exhaustion.

I've been told by several people how well I seem to be doing. How it must be getting easier for me. I seem more "myself". They aren't wrong, time has eased some of the intensity of my heart ache. I am not debilitated by it as I one was. However, the pain is always there. It's chronic and I've just learned how to live with it better. The reality I am not pregnant and we aren't bringing a baby home this summer is normal now rather than unbelievable. It's almost more lonely in this stage. In the beginning I knew other people were crying too, grieving with me. As time has passes though, I often feel like the only one shedding tears still. I suppose that's my privilege as their mother. I am the one who should continue to miss them, mourn them.

I imagine the difficult quiet times will get fewer and further between. God meets me there and knows my pain. I think of Jesus during his quiet time in the garden. When all his friends went to sleep and he was left to carry the burden alone. How he sweat blood and grieved over what he was about to endure. He knows my suffering. I am thankful he doesn't sleep while I mourn. He is there in the quiet times.

Water Tots

It has become apparent that our daughter loves to be in any body of water. Her newest joy in life are showers with Mommy, which has ended any private personal time I still laid claim to. The point is she loves to be wet. A few times my mom has taken Julianne to our local rec center pool and we never heard the end of "pool" "pool" "pool". So when I saw they offered a swim class twice a week, I signed us up. Daddy was able to attend the first session so I sat out and took pictures.

 I've always thought this age group couldn't really benefit from "swimming lessons" and that anything of the sort was a huge waste of money. However, I do think she is learning a few skills like blowing bubbles, and holding her breath when she goes under.

 Plus it gets us to the "pool" where she gets wet and tired and has the best time. I've also met a few other moms in the community so that's a win. We haven't been doing such a great job of investing in relationships with the people we live near.

 

I also get a bit of a workout throwing our 30lb. fish around the water as we participate in the songs and such.  Daddy was sore after this session. His new home inspector physique thanked him though. Turns out crawling through attics and climbing onto roofs helps you stay in shape. He is looking good!

Getting out is the only hard part. In this case it looks like for Daddy too.

Gratitude...

On this journey I've been encouraged to be thankful. Many well meaning friends and family have offered comments such as, "At least you have Julianne. She is so beautiful, make sure you are thankful for her", "Be thankful you are still young, if you were older there might not be time for more babies", and my doctor told me, "You should be grateful since it seems like you can get pregnant." These things I am thankful for, though I might encourage people not to say such comments to a person grieving pregnancy loss. Though they were said in love and encouragement, I felt like my loss was minimized. Like it shouldn't hurt so badly, since I have been blessed in other reproductive areas. These friends were right though in telling me to be thankful, and I am beginning to feel more gratitude toward my situation. 

A turning point for me came from a book I am reading on loss. The author also encourages thankfulness, but for something no one else has asked me to be thankful for. Nancy Guthrie, a women who lost two babies at 6 months old, writes in her book Holding Onto Hope, "Would you be willing to thank God for the gift he gave you that he has now taken away?" I have struggled with these words. How can I be thankful for the weeks of worry and queasiness that amounted to an empty womb? I never considered thanking the Lord for our children after we lost them. I thanked God for them every day they were growing inside me, but once they were gone I didn't feel very thankful. I think the Lord in his mercy though is showing me I was wrong in that. Although our time with them was short, the Lord blessed us with a second and third child. He knitted together life in my womb and gave us joy in the anticipation of meeting them. I had forgotten that.

Thank you Lord for the life you chose to make within me. Thank you for the weeks of pregnancy you gave us. For the children you asked me to carry for a short time. Thank you for showing me how wrong I was to feel entitled to gifts that weren't mine to begin with. Help me to entrust You with all you've blessed me with. May my hands be opened to the things I clutch so tightly.

"Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for ALL he has done." Colossians 2:7

Reading Time....

Today I walked into Julianne's room and observed a very focused study of the Jesus Storybook Bible:

May she always be so zealous for God's Word!